Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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