She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just invented taco cereal.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
