I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
