I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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