i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
