So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
