No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
