I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
