I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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