there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
