what day is it and did you see me today?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
