Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
