I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
