Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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