Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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