We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
