You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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