a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
