Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
