Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need water and some morals
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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