my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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