i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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