Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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