Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
