You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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