i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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