im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize