I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
