I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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