stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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