Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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