just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
