he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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