nut hugger
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
