The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
