the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
