Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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