I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
