I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
