Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
