i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
