I have demons in me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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