We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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