how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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