I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
