You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
