Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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