So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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