At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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