Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
