giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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