I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
