OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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