i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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