apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
