there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
