She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
