I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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