I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
