i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize