I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
