I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
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