whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize