I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
