my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
